Title: No Kinda Common Sense
Author: Noellevious <INoelleviousI@aol.com>
Disclaimer: The wrestlers in this story do not belong to me nor am I implying anything about them. That's why it's called fiction.
Rating: PG-13 for slash silliness.
Content: Slash, humor
Characters: Steve Austin, Lance Storm
Summary: All Lance wanted were a few sex tips to surprise Steve with. Too bad he's a bit too...literal.
Feedback: Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme the FEEDBACK I desire!

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When Steve Austin observed his new convert to the wonderful world of man on man love speaking in hushed tones to Jeff Hardy in the corner of the WWF showers, he decided to let it slide.

It wasn't even on his mind the next time Lance came to him.

The knocking on his hotel room door was so soft, Austin thought he might have been imagining it. When he realized that someone was really trying to get his attention, Austin couldn't bring himself to get up off the bed.

"What?" He yelled.

The knocking continued.

"What?" More exasperated this time.

In reply, more tinny knocks were made on Austin's door.

"WHAT?" Austin screamed. Grunting, Austin pushed himself off the bed. Maybe the jackass on the other side thought all the "Whats?" were part of a game. But who was stupid enough to think that Austin brought his gimmicks home with him?

When Austin pulled open the door, he had been ready to unleash a blue streak of cusses that would leave the ears of whoever was standing there ringing for days. But when the man came into view, the words died in his throat.

Lance grinned naively, his hands clasped in front of him.

"Hi, Steve." His voice was low.

Austin grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him into the room, slamming the door behind him. Lance leapt onto the bed and rolled onto his back to smile at Austin. Austin sat at the edge of the bed.

"Lance...why didn't ya answer?"

Lance looked surprised. "I didn't want anyone to hear me. Isn't this sposta be a secret?" He was whispering even now. Austin smiled in spite of himself, and crawled over to Lance. His hand slid up Lance's leg.

"Well, I think me yelling like that might of defeated the purpose of you not answering."

He used a single finger to trace Lance's profile. Lance shivered excitedly.

"And I think things are gonna get a lot louder in here tonight." His baby blues sparkled.

Lance bit his lip, looking as if he might go into hysterics.

Austin decided to kiss him before Lance up and went finishin' in his pants.

Lance's kisses were soft and sweet, those of a fumbling teenage boy on prom night. When Austin began to hurriedly undo his belt, Lance stopped him.

Mischievously, Lance put a finger to his lips and pulled off his sweater. He reached into his back pocket to grasp something.

Austin lay back, intrigued.

Lance pulled out a blindfold. He winked at Austin.

"Wanna try it out?" He waved the swatch of black satin through the air. "You'll have to trust me, though."

Now, Austin was suspicious. Where had his sweet little boy gotten such a dirty little idea from?

Austin pushed himself up so he leaned against the bed's brass headboard.

"Now, uh, Lance...where...where'd ya get the idea for this, hmm? I don't think you came up with it on you own...I mean, you got a little scared when I brought out that oil that heats up when ya blow on it, so I know you're not one for all the bells and whistles."

Lance smiled sheepishly. He looked away.

Austin held Lance's face in his hand tenderly. "It's okay, kid. Jus' tell me where you got the idea from."

Lance lay the blindfold down next to him. "Jeff. He could just tell I was having a relationship with somebody. I mean, I don't know how he did but he just knew and I let him think I had a girlfriend, you know?"

Austin nodded, somewhat relieved.

"And then I asked for some...tips. You know. *Tips.* I told him it was gonna be our first night together and I kind of wanted to wow her."

Lance reached for the blindfold. "I thought it might be fun." Dejected, his body slumped forward.

Austin lifted Lance's chin. "I didn't say it wouldn't be fun, kid. I was just a little taken aback there. You wanna blindfold me, then I'm game for it, as long as ya know what you're doin', all right?"

The light was back in the Lance's eyes. "Thanks, Stevie."

Steve turned so that Lance could tie the blindfold on snug. "And no peeking if it slides down. Tell me and I'll fix it."

"Okay, okay, no peeking."

"Promise?" Austin was envisioning the poutiness of Lance's storm as he said this.

"Yeah, I promise."

Lance lay Austin down and slid his lips from Austin's mouth, to his nipples, to the trail of hair that began low on his abdomen.

Austin moaned softly, surprised at the sensuality of Lance's movements. Maybe his little boy was growing into a man after all.

Lance tugged off Austin's jeans and lightly brushed his finger tips over the bare skin, causing Austin to shiver in delight.

As his fingers dropped lower and Austin was sure Lance was going to caress the sweet spot, he stopped short.

Austin exhaled painfully. "Aww, Lance...why'd you have to go an' stop for?"

He felt the mattress rise higher as Lance jumped off it. "Because I have another surprise to give you, Stevie."

Despite the aching down below, Austin managed a laugh. "At this point, all I need it you, Lance."

He heard Lance walk across the room to where the window was.

Then, he the doors of mini bar being opened.

"Lance, I thought we were beyond the point where I'd have to liquor you up to get you inta bed."

The doors of the mini bar shut with a little snap, and Lance returned to the bed.

"I hid a little surprise for you in there, Stevie. A little something extra Jeff taught me about."

Austin jumped his surprise when the cool substance hit his abdomen.

"Lance...what the hell are you doin?'"

"I thought you trusted me, Stevie."

Austin tried to relax himself and lay back once more. "I do Lance, I do, but...."

He suddenly realized that what was on him was most likely some kind of foodstuff, being that Jeff had given Lance the advice, and Jeff was known for that type of thing.

Whatever was on him was probably...Cool Whip...or maybe even Fluffernutter. Austin grinned. He'd have to find a way to thank Jeff for the tips, now wouldn't he?

Lance lifted himself off the bed yet again, and Austin heard the sound of Lance's belt being undone.

"Now, we can get dirty." Lance purred.

Austin lay back, happily awaiting Lance.

Then, he began to notice it.

The smell.

It was something old, something...rancid.

Austin hoped the odor would drift away, but it only grew stronger.

More pungent.

Nauseated, Austin turned his head from side to side, sniffing deeply to try and figure out where the offensive smell was coming from.

His erection was waning.

Suddenly, he realized -

the odor was coming from HIM.

"Lance, what the HELL?"

Austin jumped up and ripped the blindfold off his head.

He looked down at his abs, the thick white cream dripping off of him and onto the plush carpeting.

Lance looked as if he were about to cry.

"You don't like it?"

Austin glared at Lance.

"I don't know what the fuck it is!

Lance started to get teary. "But Jeff said everyone he's done this with liked it! Everyone likes when you use creamy food stuff! He said so!"

Austin brushed his pinkie against his stomach, and popped the cream gathered on the end of it into his mouth.

Austin promptly spat it back out.

"Goddamit, Lance! This is fucking mayonnaise! You don't put mayonnaise on somebody! What would posses you to...don't you....AHH! MAYONNAISE IS NOT SEXY!"

Austin grabbed for his jeans and leather vest as Lance blubbered behind him.

"But, but...Jeff promised you'd like something like that! He said so!"

Austin stalked into the bathroom to take a shower. The mood had been effectively killed.

As he stepped underneath the streaming hot water and washed away the condiment, Austin mumbled beneath his breath.

"Some people just have no kinda common sense. None at all."